October, 2011
Baguio City

“The two of you are the best of me. Even if there is no life after death,living with you has been worth everything to me. The time I’ve spent with you – those collected bits of moments – are the high point of my life.”  ~ Jorge Ramos from The Gift of Time (Letters From a Father)

At this point, I appeared restless from swinging back and forth, asking myself  if my life at work and outside home had gotten in the way of my time I should have concentrated on my children.  For however long, I justified it by saying I had to earn to be able to sustain a comfortable life for us. Somehow, it reached past the momentum. I’m now caught always running against time praying to slow it down a little – with every second that counts to the past – so I could be with them more and more. Oh, how they’ve grown, I have to synchronize my clock to keep up with the pace.

I remember when I came across this sight of a mother and child walking hand in hand on Session Road, I called it a Kodak moment, so I captured it through my lens. I was transported to memory lane – seeing myself with Wam and Sasan, taking them by the hand and we’d walk together going to church and Wam’s pre-school located beside it every morning. I no longer have that privilege. It only meant I have gotten old and I am now welcoming that change positively. Soon, they will have a life of their own, I could go on and on with my sentimentality…

THE GOD OF SMALL THINGS by Arundhati Roy had not landed in my bookshelf  for so long. I’ve leafed through its pages many times in the past in bookstores but never lifted a finger to purchase it. Until last night, we came across each other at a pre-owned books sale inside U.P. ( University of the Philippines) campus.

It was sealed so it took me some time to find the personal notes written by the previous owner inside. Well, I was,  for a moment,  frightened ~ succumbed by the darkness in the words he/she used… The dim streetlights in the area made it even strange, as we all read what was hand-written on the preface ( looked like beautiful calligraphy to me).  He wrote.” It’s easier to see the ceiling when you’re lying in a coffin.”

Jo, Marko, Vee and Luis said it could be lines from a gothic song or poetry, I could be wrong.  I almost believed it was a lyrical curse handed down to me. On the inside back cover,  I had read.” You took up television like it’s a drug, stay away, pull out the plug. You got better things to do, you got people who love you and _________. ”  

He left no trace of his identity in the book,  it will forever be a mystery. I am now its new keeper.

(Please click the photo to enlarge it.)

I first heard her, I did not see her. Standing three feet away, I tried looking out to see where that soft melody was resonating. There was no way you would’ve noticed unless you came closer. So, I sat with her on the pavement, casually gazing from my periphery before I had the moment to take the photograph up close.  She was playing the song from Ice Castles, and I felt my own sincerity to bring out her soul through this image.

This was the time when we were watching the sunset together with Gustav.
The dap-ay was lonely without the fire and the merry people who gathered
around it the night before. Yet, it still felt very sentimental and calming
being surrounded by the statuesque pine trees, a cup of warm coffee
in my hand.

I look forward to another time like this.To quote Dave,” Another time and
another place with the constellations…in Sagada.”

 (Thank you, Isis, for photographing us.)

One day, Sasan came home wide-eyed, telling me that she had a surprise for Wam. She took out Homer and the Family Guy figures from the Toy Kingdom bag so certain that her sister would’ve gone gaga over the sensor recording blurted out by both.

So, it works that when something moves or shakes around/ beside them, they talk. Not just talk but will surprise you like they’re just within earshot!

This is meaningful to me as it was my right of passage to street photography last year, if I may refer to it as such. I used to be afraid to walk in the streets of Manila, paranoid at the thought that all place else was unsafe to be at. Wide Open opened it to me ( hence, the group name). I’ll always look at these photographs with fondness, despite being deficient of the elements of light, composition and depth – they transport me back to day one and move me forward to the great experience, learning, “rayuma” after a whole day of photo walk and the friendships built along the way. Luis, I’m grateful, most of all.

What seemed to be an endless road became the sunny place of miles and miles of good laugh and Caramel Macchiatos with extra espresso shots.  It’s one of the happiest roads I’ve traveled on, thus far. How can I thank you?

And why until today, for strange reasons, that scene about Homer Simpson in one of The Simp’s old episodes (which Mak was candidly telling us about in reference to all our recent  fitness plans)  kept on replaying like a movie in my mind! Hahaha!  ”DIE,” Homer read from an outdoor video wall one evening while he was walking; and then, he yelped his famous panicky yelp thinking it was apocalypse ( the letter “T” was covered by the huge tree). Come on.

This is for you, my dearest. I kind of didn’t want to go home in exchange for a longer bonding time with all of you. Which goes to say that twenty years of constantly being apart wasn’t too long a time to not remain as close. You are like family to me, thank you.

They say that the most important blessing is to wake up knowing you are alive and breathing. And to breathe more, apart from your family ever being the utmost purpose, is upon seeing you are in a place close enough to be your own heaven on earth. You don’t have to travel too far to meet the people who will paint your life with brighter shades of red or green or sunburst orange; be inspired by the works that they do; or be in a place your soul can identify itself with. Sometimes, they are within an earshot but you just don’t want to see. It takes a willing soul and an open heart to welcome these blessings. And they happen everyday at different moments and unexpected places. The beauty of life, as how Lenore puts it, is being enthralled by the realization that the simplest things are the ones that affect our lives deeply.

You all made it easier for me to believe this truth. Thank you.

Baguio –  Feb. 25,2011

Photos taken at Mr. and Mrs. Joe Cariño’s compound in Camp 7. Thank you, Tita Millie and Tito Sonny ~ your place is close to heaven on earth, to me.

*Thank you, Wam… This is unforgettable. It signifies the many changes and storms I survived. It’s nothing compared to all the tests of time, if about the pain. I guess today is the best time to manifest them visually on my body because there is openness, no more to hide. Let the lotus flower speak about my journeys from yesterday through my graceful end.

‎”The spirit spelled by the Lotus swoons,
Its beauty summons the artist mood;
And thus, perchance, in a thousand moons
Its spell shall work in our waiting blood.

All the heights of the high shores gleam
Red and gold at the sunset hour
There comes the spell of a magic dream,
And the Harbour seems a lotus-flower.”

 I stumbled upon many circumstances that evoked a lot of introspection in my life lately. Oh, at least, during the last two weeks; or to be more precise, the 2^nd to the 3^rd week of September. First was my decision to finally enroll in a basic fitness program which converted me to become more conscious about my health and fitness. Second was when I gave up rice. And this, even people at home can testify. It was hard, but only to a certain extent. Today is my 12th day without it and I could only imagine for however long! I need to move forward (I thought my turning point was when one day at the gym, I saw my weight reach the alarming state), and influence from my support group would have created that much impact. So, I surrounded myself with people who would remind me that I am on a mission.

And one day, there came a long lost friend who had quite a handful to share. Quitting smoking, forgetting coffee and the eighth tattoo – these were his good news. And it came to me, that I realized there’s always a purpose for every reunion – be it with lost friends, loved ones or foes. And this time, this one made more sense to me that it came upon the moment when we were both – in totally separate locations – drinking Shiraz, not eating rice, exploring Tagaytay and remembering the Tibetan chant In the same light and spirit. I became deeply grateful for his return that we would have been allies in this journey. But, perhaps, I would have spoken the same predicament with or without this reunion. I must have presumed it was a cosmic interlude; but something told me it was just an interjection, a run-on, so I could meaningfully continue what I had started.

This week, I found myself in a workshop for highly effective people. The habits taught and explained became merely a backbone because I learned most from and saw through all the leaders who were with me in conversations that mattered a lot to me. Our conversations, sharing, insights, arguments and introspections totally shifted my paradigm to a more effective disposition. It was the kind of openness you would not have imagined to be visible in that room for three days, knowing that they hold key positions; but yes, it became. Because of it, my yearning for family relationship became more enlightening than lonely and I saw myself most anxious and excited to see my children after a long day. I loved that group and I admired our speaker. I love you, Pat.

When I began writing this essay, I was recovering from a painful hang over after an evening of frozen cocktail mix with a friend. And while the analgesic didn’t prove to be effective, I lied down in bed and these thoughts came by. For a long moment, I felt very inspired by certain things I considered unnoticed blessings: simply meeting the most interesting souls in your lifetime who beckon you to something better, to some place new; doing the things you never imagined you can do, nurturing your home (knowing that the universal responsibility begins there)… I can’t believe they’re all happening to me one after another.

I love how life is with me, my family, my relationships with friends, colleagues and even the strangers I run into everyday. My daughters are becoming more engaged in their lives outside home, more independent to take care of themselves while I condition myself to be more trusting that they can always decide the smallest things on their own. I felt renewed for most of these things are lessons from a thorough life. I aim to have it followed with a validation that my yearning for a wrist *tattoo will finally come to fruition next week because I saw its meaning from all the things I have spoken of above.

*The lotus flower and the Buddhist Om symbol became entirely it on my left wrist, in sunburst red orange. I had it done two days after I wrote this article in September. And it felt good! It signified the many changes and storms I survived – nothing compared to all the tests of time, if about the pain. I thought that it’s the best time to manifest them visually on my body because there is already openness, no more darkness to hide.

Feel free to email: charissemalazarte@yahoo.com

It’s inevitable that, from time to time, I’ll stumble through the weeds of sentimentality in order to explain just how I feel.  All of these I’m doing for both of you to make sure you grow up stronger, wiser, loving and respecting the people you encounter throughout your lifetime. 

You both have your own purpose to live and my happiness ultimately commences with the one and only thought that wherever destiny will bring you, you will take care of each other forever.  And up to my twilight years,  promise that we will always be each other’s source of strength.

Happy Mother’s Day to me -  sometimes I find it difficult to come to terms with the realities of life that someday, leaves will wither and time will continue to move on.  I used to say I’ll tuck you both in my arms so we could travel together and see the world. But now, it seems so unimaginable to see how much you’ve grown – taller, more independent, no longer the children I could tuck in my arms. I will still bring you to places new to your eyes someday. And my love is something you will deeply realize when you are already the ones to bring a life into this world.  I love you, Wam and Sasan.

Last December, Starbucks released this collector’s item journal in the U.S. called “1.”  Fleur, because she knew I would have loved to have this, sent it through courier to Che so Che could bring it to me. That was such a long route to reach me!

Thank you for the sweet note written. I love you, Ate. You’re my friend, my sister, my editor, my patient publisher who never gave up on waiting for the manuscript to come into fruition.You keep me standing tall all the time and make me live fully by knowing how much I am loved by people like you. You know, the ones that never leave until there’s calm after each storm, no matter what?

If others will take a peek into our little world, perhaps they’ll see  how much we’ve squeezed a lot out of life in 20 years. And life has been good to both of us.*

This Kashmiri shawl had the detailed chikan embroidery. It came with a pair of satin pillow cases Neha chose. I loved this, Baba!  Thanks so much.

http://www.india9.com/i9show/Chikan-Embroidery-47639.htm

( G, I still remember what you taught me four years ago. You were always excited to bring me to that store in Central Delhi that sold those white cotton dresses and tops that had chikan embroidery. It’s always vivid, to me.)

And while traversing the pathway leading to some more clubs, looking for some more mojitos or midori, Chavi and I chanced upon this, we were like kids! Wow, I didn’t know there’s something like this in Manila.

Jim, I seized the moment so I could take a photo of it. I love APO very much until the moment I leave this world! I guess everyone says the same, too ( In his wittiest element, he advised us to feel free to step on them anytime!).

Simple things that bring good feelings. I love APO.

Sam whispered to me that she and Rica were suddenly time traveling to their years in the mountains, almost in tears to remember the underground where they left their old lives. No one could sing it so deeply like Joey Ayala; but that man – his voice was as powerful as this.  It became beyond joy that another Tagalog song brought out my best spirit! Under the moon, we walked up and down the alleys of Baguio, never knowing this will orchestrate our next major *LSS  in the coming days.

SOMEDAY IN MY LIFE

Here from the top of a mountain
I see you there
In the cool night air
Someday in my life.

Fear has no reason to doubt them
They tell me so
Yet they will never know
You are here in my life.

Wherever I go now
I’ll follow you
And my heart will be true
I have never known someone
To stay right here
Soon you will be right here
Someday in my life.
Here from the top of a mountain
I see you there
In the cool night air
Someday in my life

Storms may rage on about them
They hail and snow
Yet they will never know
You are here in my life

Wherever I go now
I’ll follow you
And my heart will be true
I have never known someone
To stay right here
Soon you will be right here
Someday in my life.

Words and music Mick Hucknall for Simply Red.

I felt like the soft sand in an hourglass, slowly drifting and passing through the slender passage but never ever losing any grain.

Chinese New Year in Binondo, old China Town, 14th February, 2010.

A crowd was gaga over the dragon dancers, Roxeanne was still scared.  It dawned on me that she still hasn’t outgrown the fright.  We lived quite long just very near the old Savory on Buendia and Roxas Blvd. In the mid -90′s they transferred to F.B. Harrison corner Buendia where the location was just some steps from where we lived. During Chinese New Years, she always saw the dragon dancers and was always frightened and horrified, it was when she was about 2 to 7.  As opposed to her sister Wam who’s always dauntless (except from the Tom and Jerry mascots that sent her to hysteria inside Landmark Department Store when she was 4 or 5), Roxeanne and I always stayed inside the house to make sure she never heard and saw them.

Trying to appear brave at the sight of the dragon dancers approaching our vehicle, she told me without looking, that it was the sound of the drums and the hurried and fidgety movements of the faux dragon. And I told her, that was basically what the dragon was all about – * a river spirit… frightening and bold but demonstrating power and dignity.

This was my daughter’s reflection in the photo, bottom left, looking away from the happening outside the window. I know that from now on, she will always remember those dragon moments with a grin as the window for making such memories is rapidly closing because she and her “Ate” have grown up and are more conscious about much bigger things in life now.

________

* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dragon_dance